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Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Remix Baker vs. Tree: A Yuletide Story Sexiest Man Alive: Marty Baker BakerMuse is back: Male Pattern Blindness Cavemen, chloroform and chocolates. Rethinking romance. Follicle Follies or Splitting Hairs. (Remix) A BakerMuse True Story Musical Hell. Loitering at the bottom of the musical food chain. Remix. A starter kit. The Pillsbury Dough Boy and Charlie the Tuna Intervention: A remix A needless survey of curmudgeons Restaurants to Avoid. A BakerMuse Remix Worst Album Covers Ever. A Remix. Finding the right guy. A guide for women remix. Further Misadventures in flight. A remix. Aging Disgracefully Remix Procrasticise! Remix An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix The BakerMuse Guide to Writing a Best Seller Why I am no longer a sugar daddy. Great hotels. Bad postcards. The Four Yorkshiremen Reprise Neighbors and other disappointments Das Snoot Turf Wars. A BakerMuse True Story. Testosterone. The early years. The Frigid Chronicles Part One Unsanitized for your protection. BakerMuse Anniversary Part 2 BakerMuse Celebrates 50th Anniversary Welcome to Stinky Town The Foxworthy Factor. The Jerky Boy BakerMuse Live from New York City: Viva la Revolution! BakerMuse Live From New York City The Upside of Downsizing Quibbles Part 4: The grunt, the yell and the floating gorilla A sociological study of the elderly or Geezer 101 Me and the Mighty Gavalon The Free LifeTime Movie Generator Why Lou Dobbs Loves Me I need a man purse and other confessions What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part 2 What I Learned On My Vacation And Other Terrors Part I My Christmas List Revised Splitting Hairs Ugly is the New Beautiful Worst Album Covers Ever Part 2 Worst Album Covers Ever Part 1 Let's Rethink the Holiday Party Intervention: Charlie the Tuna, the TRIX rabbit and the Pillsbury Doughboy The Man Code. Decoded. Quibbles Part 3 Starring Orville Redenbacher Never let an egghead write your tag line. An expose. Cluttergate Fashion Mistakes. The Sequel. Songs from Musical Hell Please don't stare at my stag and other fashion mistakes A Jones for Java Part 2 Tong Envy and Aspects of Aspic Bourne Again, the Movie Quibbles: Part 2 Clinical observations from the bottom of the musical instrument food chain Expose! My Coke Habit. Condemned Cuisine Nyuk. Nyuk. Why Men Love the Three Stooges: A Guide for Women Quibbles: Part One Procrasticise! Restaurants To Avoid A BakerMuse Culinary Guide An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Let's Bring Back the Fez The Angina Monologues Pardon Me While I Slip Into Something Less Comfortable. Finding the right guy. A guide for women. Aging Disgracefully SpongeBob: Now Smellable Bed Bath and Way Beyond Do it yourself surgery My Kryptonite, the hot dog. Duck and Cover with Bert the Turtle A Jones for Java. My secret history with coffee commercials 1 Counting My Blessings and Other Mathematical Problems
This story has a prologue. A few years ago, I visited my Uncle in San Diego. He was in the Navy, so the house looked like a minime version of Annapolis. Model ships. Baseball caps with ships on them. He even had a big Oldsmobile with an entire row of these hats perched in the back window. There's something about old men and hats. After 60, there's a primal need for them to show off head gear. Anyway, he asks me if I'd like to see my some photos of my relatives from Barbados. "Sure,"I said, "let's see what this handsome family looks like." He then blew about seven layers of dust off a rather large scrap book and opened it up.
I winced at the first "family" photograph I saw five Winston Churchill clones staring back at me. And that was just the women. The men had massive round heads and short legs. The entire clan looked like the Looney Tunes bulldog. Some history all the Bakers came from the Island of Barbados and then mysteriously appeared in New England. My father told me they were sugar planters, but it seemed to me that they were sugar eaters as well. Not one of them looked like they had a tan and they lived in the tropics. White as Devonshire Cream with Liver spots the size of Pluto.
Fast forward to last month. I walked into one of the last male bastions on earth Men's Warehouse. Maybe I'm a tad paranoid, but I thought I heard an audible gasp from the staff. I think they take great pride in being able to size up a man as they walk in the door something like he's a 38 regular jacket with a 34 inch waist. I must have been a conundrum. Finally, an old Italian guy with a extra long measuring tape came up to me and started taking notes. Apparently, I'm a 44 Toddler.
I have a large torso and remarkably tiny legs and arms. Just think a Jurassic Park T Rex. Well, they told me "the suit" would be ready the next day. Dutifully, I returned the next day and tried on the suit. Well, the jacket was too tight and the pants too long. It wasn't the tailor's fault. The Baker DNA has an ability to morph overnight. Look at any formal picture of the Baker boys (all five) and we look like we're suffering from group dyspepsia.
We've even tried the Hong Kong Tailors that would sweep in yearly and send the suits in a bamboo box. We all looked like sausages with pin stripe casings. These days, I've taken to wearing a caftan or if the occasion warrants it a monk's robe. I call it the Friar Tuck. Frankly, even the caftan is getting a bit snug. So, if you want me to be a groomsman, make sure the wedding is in Tahiti or a Sumo Wrestling Center because I think I could fit into one of those mega thongs. Yeah, wish me luck with that.

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